My Craving

Unlocked my house door yesterday coming back from work. As I stepped in the welcoming rug I felt a bump in my stomach. “Im hungry” I though, so I left the keys and my coat on the table and went to the kitchen. I opened the fridge but realised I wasn’t hungry at all. There I was, standing in front of the opened fridge feeling the cold air in my cheeks looking for something appealing to eat. Nothing, I wanted nothing. The fridge was full of everything a fridge could have. Cheese, bread, ham, bacon, eggs, fruits, vegetables, ice cream, chocolate, juice, water, wine, beer, even a homemade Tiramisu. Nothing, I wanted nothing. I closed the fridge and looked out the kitchen window. Playing around with a football were two little boys outside the street. I smiled. After fifteen minutes staring at the boys playing anything but football with a football I felt that bump again. Ugh that one felt uncomfortable! Perhaps now im hungry, I thought. So I opened the fridge again, looking for something to calm my stomach. For a-second time, that cold breeze on my cheeks. I couldn’t find something to eat and shut the fridge. I went to the couch and grabbed my phone. I got a notification from my friend gossiping about her new “crush” as we nowadays call someone we are attracted to. That bump again, three on the same day. What is this? It might be something I ate yesterday or the day before. I started looked back into yesterday’s memories of food I had and realised I had no memories of food from yesterday, so I thought “perhaps I will remember the day before yesterday” but no, I didn’t remember. I was so confused. Why can’t I remember what I ate? Turns out I haven’t had something to eat in a week. I wasn’t hungry. I was tired. Some sleep would make me feel better,I thought. With difficulty I managed to get off the couch and up the stairs to my room. I let myself fall in my bed and closed my eyes. I woke up at two a.m. Weird was, I did not care at all. I tried to fall back asleep but that did not work. A bump, the bump, again. Now it hurts. I tried to fall back asleep again. It is now six in the morning and I woke up craving something. I was still not hungry. I was craving something. I had energy again. I was mad and sad. A feeling I will never forget. What am I craving? I had this feeling of emptiness that made me crave for something. Grabbed my phone, went on Spotify and pressed play. The saddest song from my playlist started playing and within the first ten seconds of the song my eyes started tearing. Im crazy, I thought. The bump came back. The bump in my stomach with me craving something and my eyes still tearing and me sobbing. I managed to get out of bed and saw myself in the mirror. A bullet went through my heart as I saw my reflection in the mirror. I saw a skeleton, a ghost. Hate and sadness, that was what the mirror reflected. I thought I hadn’t eaten for a week but it wasn’t just a week. It was two months. I was empty, emotionless, a ghost. Hate all over me. Hate towards me. How did I let this happen to me and without even noticing? How could I have not eaten anything in two months? What happened in those two months? I couldn’t stop asking questions, I felt like I had been awaken from the longest dream ever. That craving just got bigger and stronger. I ran down to the fridge figuring that craving was food and grabbed the first thing my eye spot. I ate the Tiramisu my mom made for me on my Birthday and then a piece of bread, following it with some cheese and after that chocolate and at last some ice cream. I stuffed my face with food. Once I was done the craving came back, stronger and bigger than ever. I had just eaten my weight in food and that craving was still there! I wasn’t mad, I was confused and hopeless, afraid this craving would consume me. I did not bother to lay on the couch or on my bed, I just laid on the flor and screamed. I screamed as loud as I could, I don’t know why. I just had to, I was tired and exhausted and I couldn’t anymore. I fell asleep, right there on the flor.

A knock on the door woke me up, it was my mom. I could not get up to open the door for her, I just laid there speechless and hopeless. My mom called my phone, but I couldn’t answer. She started knocking louder, but I couldn’t get up. I heard her say “If you don’t open the door now im calling someone” and right after that my eyes closed again. Once my eyes opened I wasn’t home on the floor anymore. I was on this weird and very uncomfortable bed chained to some wires that had some fluid in them. I was so confused that I just closed my eyes again hoping for it all to be a dream. The second time I woke up I saw my mom. Her eyes where swollen and red, she had a tiering look but she still looked beautiful. I asked her where I was and if she could take this wires off of me. She started explaining what happened. Apparently I passed out on my kitchen floor and am severely anemic. I didn’t know what to answer to that, so I closed my eyes again. The third time I opened my eyes my mom was still there but with this weird man with a very weird beard. She said he was going to ask me some questions to see if im okey. He did not ask if I was okey which really upset me because I though he wanted to know if I was okey. Apparently he wanted to know when I last ate and if i’ve had any headaches and dizziness lately. What kind of person says they want to know if you are okey and asks those kinds of questions; rude. My mom then had the marvellous idea to tell me that this man was my doctor. Let me tell you he did not look like a doctor at all. If I would have known, well then I probably wouldn’t have gotten mad. I told him that I didn’t remember the last time I ate and that I hadn’t any dizziness or headaches lately. I told him about the craving. He said “Oh, you have cravings, well that is normal if you haven’t eaten in a while”. I sad “No!” and started explaining THE craving. After my perfectly good and precise explanation about the craving and how it had nothing to do with food ended, he asked my mom if they could talk outside. Again, extremely rude. What’s up with this guy? They talked for a while and right before I closed my eyes they where finished and came inside. He wanted to start explaining what was wrong with me but I stopped him, I wanted my mom to explain it. She said I have a disease, but not one that goes away with an injection or some pills. She said it was “up there” and pointed at her head.When I thought I was confused before apparently I wasn’t because now I was just clueless. A disease “up there”, what does that even mean? The doctor stepped in and said I have anorexia. I’ve heard about it but never thought you could just have it. “See, I think I got it accidentally because I do not remember why I stopped eating or when” I said. The doctor explained that anorexia comes in various shapes and forms (whatever that means). He said I might have had some experience that led to me not eating, for instance that craving. I got very mad after he mentioned the craving. I screamed. Once he mentioned the craving it came back, all of if. This time it was worse than before. My stomach started aching and I couldn’t breathe. I musst have passed out because I do not remember what happened next. Suddenly I wasn’t at the hospital bed anymore, I was safe. I was up in some mountain with all these beautiful flowers and a big clear river. I ran to it and jumped inside. The water was fresh and cold, it felt so good. The craving was gone, the pain and sadness too. I was okey, I was safe. I didn’t want to go, but I had this feeling that told me to. I didn’t know where to go, but I just kept walking until I got tired and closed my eyes. I had this dream. My craving was a someone and we started talking. I asked him why he would not leave me alone, that his presence hurts and he tolled me he was sad. He said he couldn’t find a reason to live and that holding on to me was a way of looking for it, he needed to find a reason to stay on earth because nothing he did fulfilled him and then he pushed me. I woke up. There were a lot of people in the hospital room this time and all looked relived once I woke up. My mom hugged me and thanked me. I wan’t sure for what but I said you’re welcome; she laughed.

Once the room got cleared and my mom and doctor were the only ones left in the room I told them I knew what was wrong with me. I didn’t say anything about the dream because I didn’t want them to think I was crazy, although maybe I was. I said to them that I wasn’t happy and could not find a reason to stay alive, I had stopped eating because food stopped making me happy. I couldn’t get up because I had no energy, I had no motive to use my arms or legs. I just couldn’t live anymore. My moms eyes started tearing again. I told the doctor that I was not anorexic, I was just really really sad. He said he could help, and that comforted me. He wasn’t so bad after all. I looked at my mom and said sorry. I explained to her that if I had known what was going on with me I would have told her sooner, probably before I passed out on the kitchen floor. She smiled. My mom was so beautiful, one of the most beautiful person on earth. She helped me, my doctor too of course. I stared getting medications and going to therapy weekly. I talked to people and slowly started finding reasons to stay alive. Life didn’t seem so bad after all. I found a passion and love for music, arts, books. Slowly I saw the world colorfully. I never had the craving again. I had lost me and now I had found me. The craving inspired me to look for the beautiful and ugly thing this world has and make something out of it. I realised that life is full of learning and that fulfilled me. I traveled and learned, I wrote and learned, I cried and learned. The rest of my life I kept discovering and learning, and right before I closed my eyes for the last time, I learned my last lesson: There is never enough time, so invest the time you have in something worth of it, something that will fulfill you everyday, something you can learn of and become better, because time pases by very very fast.